Websites, SEO and Digital Marketing
on time and on budget

because I’m a web vegan and only consume 100 percent organic content.

because when people google me all they get is my blog of poetry. From high school.

because when I tell clients I’m not in the app store they stick one-star stickers to my forehead.

apparently putting GIF flames on all pictures is not cool anymore.

Because when they asked if I wanted to see the mock up I said “No, it’s a serious site.”

Because I can’t remember the login to my geocities account.

Cause when I client asked if it was Retina ready, I said you can look at it with any eyes.

because not even a golfer could make out my backlinks.

because our company needs to be in the hands of our clients, literally and figuratively.

because I’m tired of people thinking my business phone number starts with 404.

As a web designer I make a damn fine astronaut.

My CSS is a mess, my HTML is shakey, my PHP is out the door and I’m afraid I’m SOL!

because my search results listing is so low my server is on anti-depressants.

because it’s the closest thing to steroids for my business…without actually selling steroids.

It’s awkward to tell people to send their inquiries to SuperStudMuffin64@hotmail.com

… because my Facebook is too personal, my Twitter is too simple, my LinkedIn is a mess and my Instagram is full of FOOD!

because the only thing the yellow pages are good for is swatting flies, holding open doors and tests of strength with body builders.

because someone asked me about my Custom Style Class and I said “business casual.”

But when a client tried to finger swipe my brochure to see more pictures, I thought it was time.

…when a client asked me for my contact and look puzzled because I said “but I need them to see.”

because my flyers were called “retro” by a young customer.

When asked if I was going to have any Flash Content, I said it wasn’t an adult site.

I want my site to be lion! It’s currently a small dog that’s been frightened by thunder and wee’d on the carpet.

because “please” is not the keyword that’ll get me to the top of the search results.

because unlike a new litter of puppies, duplicate content is not adorable.

because playing tic-tac-toe via a fax machine has been deemed “too hipster” of a mobile game.

because preparing my business for the future didn’t mean building a time machine…. sadly.

because people using their phones while in the restroom is a key demographic.

because I couldn’t find my business card and a kid yelled “404 Page Not Found.” I’m not sure what it means but I know a website would help.

because my keywords are so bad their random-key-that-I-don’t-know-what-it-goes-to-that-I-found-in-a-draw-words.

because my website is so well hidden, I can’t even find it.

because I need to connect with those on the go so potential sales don’t go with them.

because I need to show people my
inventory, not just my CV.

…to give the latest information to my clients instead of getting them the information late.

Because my host needs cookies, and I can’t bake.

Because a client asked for a banner ad and laughed when I said the front of my business wasn’t big enough for a banner.

because I also want to be able to scroll through our products on my phone instead of engaging in conversation in public.

because my HTML5 is stuck in 3rd

When a co-worker asked if I had Skeuomorphism I said I felt fine.

because I can’t think of a good keyword for a key maker that doesn’t involve keys.

because it’ll be easier to promote new products via push notifications…and my haikus.

because my logo image source is “search-ms:displayname=Imported%20Pictures%20and%20Videos&crumb=location:C%3A%5CUsers%5Cpc%5CPictures%5CLogo”

because up till now I thought SEO stood for Send Emergency Oreos. I kinda wish it still did.

I truly am a photoshop artist….Jackson Pollack

because I asked my intelligent personal assistant to go to my site and it said, “And you are?”

because the only java I know comes in regular and decaf.

Because a client asked me what customer management system I used and I said index card.

because no one ever said “Awww, I wish this page loaded slower.”

…when I thought it was rude that a client asked me for my FAQ. I said FAQ you too 🙂

because my C++ is more of a D minus

because it’s the closest a business can get to being in the consumers home…without police being involved.

…when a client asked me if I “tweet” and I said I was always more a Sylvester guy.

because then spending time on my phone is tax deductible (editor’s note: probably not.)

because I don’t like being asked how I like working for gmail.com or Hotmail.

because I want my business to be in their pocket and access their back pocket (or whatever pocket they keep their wallet).

because when I googled the one I made the search result was “Did you mean NO?”

When I showed my friend my site he said “Oh, cute, you five year old made his first website.”

because I don’t want my site to be John Cena.

I can’t find the bedazzler for fonts…and nor should I.

because when I was asked about ideal pixel size….I said about an inch/centermeter

I need a professional website because I hate it when I give out my site as www.freedomain.com/archive/free/plain/unoriginal.html

because I want better word-of-mouth marketing than “What? You don’t have an app?”

because I think the term “User backend” is a euphemism.

because my competitor offered to pay me to keep it as bad as it is.

Because I found my Masonry Grid…..jarring. I’ll see myself out.

because everyone has a phone in their pocket and no room for a spandex wearing sign twirling person.

because the same finger that could dial our number could “buy it now” from the app.

…I just realised the 9000 flyers I just got printed have the wrong phone number on them. Need any scrap paper?

because my competition has one with a dinosaur game…I’m the dinosaur.

because unless you are on a trampoline, no one likes a high bounce rate.

because it’s the safest way to play in busy traffic.